Am I An Empath?
what you read might surprise you…
A few years into my journey to sobriety, I was educated on what an “empath” was. To be honest, I wasn’t familiar with this term, and back then people weren’t throwing around the word “empathy” just yet. Brené Brown was on the up and up. Love you B! I remember very clearly the first time I understood the difference between sympathy & empathy - in my old job in corporate during a “town hall” or something - side note: is it weird that they call it that? Anyway, here’s the video we watched:
I remember being very moved by that video, and I can’t necessarily remember if I was sober when I saw it - but it is likely. Personal development wasn’t top of mind while I was drinking and important messages didn’t land like they do now.
In the video, the amazing Brené Brown reminds us that we can only create a genuine connection if we are brave enough to really get in touch with our fragilities.
Bruh.
This might sound dramatic, but I’m pretty sure zero people taught me how to be with my own feelings. This is something I’ve only learned recently, and as I reflect on my adolescence and even recently, everything I did was running away from uncomfortable feelings. I know that this is a big reason why I loved to drink alcohol, like a lot of it. Because it numbed me of my uncomfortable feelings. And what I’m learning now, is that not only do I have my own uncomfortable feelings, as an empath, I FEEL other peoples’ feelings.
According to Judith Orloff, MD, who wrote The Empath’s Survival Guide (THANK YOU JUDITH), “empaths have an extremely reactive neurological system. We don’t have the same filters that other people do to block out stimulation. As a consequence, we absorb into our own bodies both positive and stressful energies around us. We are so sensitive that it’s like holding something in a hand that has fifty fingers instead of five.” Yup, pretty much.
She also writes, “research shows that high sensitivity affects approximately 20 percent of the population, though the degree of one’s sensitivity can vary. Empaths have often been labeled as “overly sensitive” and told to “get thicker skin.” Again, yup, pretty much.
I have VIVID memories of being a teenager, riding in cars with boys, and girlfriends, and pleading with them to turn the music down. I think my ears are still ringing from 2006. To this day, I rarely listen to music in the car. Unless it’s a road trip and then I’m listening to Fall Out Boy, Dashboard Confessional, or Taking Back Sunday.
The reality is that alcohol provides a solution to this sensitivity. And I wanted to be cool. I wanted to be liked. I wanted to be loved. So I drank. I drank all through high school, college, and into my 20s. I didn’t stop until I was 29 years old. I have heard and read many times that you stop emotionally maturing when you start drinking excessive amounts of alcohol.
My experience getting sober at 29 was that I had a lot of emotional maturing to do, and I know that at 34, I still have opportunities there which I am working through with an amazing therapist. Some of the hardest conversations I’ve had are what to do and how to manage my internal responses to the external world. Aka how to exist in this world as an empath.
First of all, if you are an empath, I see you.
And I feel you, literally. Ugh.
And I understand that it’s extremely difficult to function in this world. I would invite you to read The Empath’s Survival Guide, like asap for the tools and resources and how to find ways to show up with strength, and not feel absolutely exhausted after every social outing.
I’m here to remind you that you do not need thicker skin. Your skin is perfectly as is. But if you’ve recently gone alcohol-free or you’ve been exploring sobriety, you might start to notice that maybe the music is just a little loud. Or that person is talking way too much. Or it smells weird here. I could go on. Go into nature. Keep rosewater in your car.
And most importantly, spend time with other women who are alcohol-free or sober-curious. These women are working on themselves and will most likely have the self-awareness not to push you in any way. They’ll respect and respond to all of you.
For me, it has been important to continue learning about myself and my different strengths so that I can feel comfortable and confident when I’m pushing myself outside of my comfort zone. Before you travel with a group of women, I recommend you do similar work, and I’d be happy to have a conversation on what that looks like.
If you are in need of travel and are looking for a place that is relaxing and rejuvenating, I’m happy to make a few suggestions. You can book a complimentary consultation call with me here:
